If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, My Husband purchased a week of personal training at the local health club. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines... I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other crap too.

THURSDAY:

Butt hole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes. He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny witch to find me. Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.

FRIDAY:

I hate that jackass Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Christo wanted me to work on my triceps.. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the darn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:

Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel...

SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

For the first time in 3 years we have had a snowstorm. We got about4-6 inches starting Friday evening and into the night. There pictures were taken Saturday morning. It was pretty cold (27 degrees) but we got some sleet on Saturday. The gallery is linked here.

Enjoy.

Hello Dear,

I have Paid the fee for your Cheque Draft but the manager of Diamond Bank Benin told me that before the check will get to you that it will expire.So i told him to cash $2,800,000,00 all the necessary arrangement of delivering the $2,800,000,00 in cash was made with Cambell delivering company.This is the information they need to delivery your package to you, contact them now.

Bellow is the Cambell delivering information's
Contact person: Dr Chris Onowu.
(Delivery department managing director)
E-mail ( cambellcompany34@sify.com or cambellcourier33@sify.com )
Contact numbers;+229-9808-0545 / +229-9893-3573.

Note,that the entire fee has been paid for your delivery so it's probably ($175.00) that remains that you will send to the Cambell Courier Service Benin Republic which is their Security keeping fee of your consignment box so far.You are advice to forward all your mailling information to them immediately you receive this mail.

Your country:.....
Your full name:....
Home address:.......
Mobil phone number:......
Office number:.......

In addition to what i said earlier please, don't disclose the content of the box to them to avoid delay and finally endeavor to indicate this code number (GL-14160) this code will prove that you are the rightful owner of the box deposited VIP box in their company, use it as your subject when your contacting them.

Thanks and remain bless.
Micheal Dim

http://www.usdebtclock.org/

OH PLEASE!!!!!.....They can't spell and the secretary must be both male & female?

Subject: Contact :Mrs. Mercy Felix (Today)

Dear Friend,

I did not forgot your past effort and attempts to assist me, now I'm happy to inform you that i have suceeded in getting those funds transferred under the cooperation of a new partner from Japan.

Now Contact my secretary ask him to send ($1.5 Million Dollars) for your compensation

Contact :Mrs. Mercy Felix (Today). in His email address:(mercyfelix_bj@mail.mad / mercyfelixbj@yahoo.fr ) Therefore, yous hould send him the followings:
Mrs. Mercy Felix Tel:+229-978-509-07
In cotonou Repbulic of Benin,

Confirm this information to Mrs. Mercy Felix in your mail.

(1).Your Full names:
(2).Your Contact address:
(3).Your valid Phone #:
(4).Your Fax Number #:
(5).Your Age:
(6).Your Occupation:

Regards.
Dr.Rich Edmond,

A man and a woman

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need
you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
-------------------------------------------------------------

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes
from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a bathroom scale.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a
torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I
pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and
discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped
back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a
different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out
there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------

FBI Headquarters in Washington, D.C.
Federal Bureau of Investigation
J. Edgar Hoover Building
935 Pennsylvania Avenue,
NW Washington, D.C. 20535-0001
(202) 324-9000

Greetings,

We the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) Washington, DC have been informed through our Global intelligence monitoring network, that the sum of $2,300,000.00 has long been approved on your behalf by the world bank poverty eradication program in conjunction with the Nigeria federal ministry of finance treasury reserve.

We took out time to screen through this project as stipulated on our protocols of operation and we confirmed that your payment of $2,300,000.00 is 100% genuine and legitimate from all facet and of which you have the lawful right to claim.

The new payment policy as agreed by the remittance committee is that you will have to open an offshore/online account with Wema Bank Plc located in Nigeria. As soon as the account is activated, the federal ministry of finance will release your approved sum of $2.3 million into the account. With your full account information, you can then proceed to transfer the money to any account of your choice in the world.


This Is An Official Advice From The FBI, Foreign Remittance/TelegraphicDept. (FRTD),

WARNING: The only fee required to open the account with Wema bank Plc is a $350.00
minimum initial deposit.

You are to contact the genuine office for an account openning details withthe details below:

Prof. Tony Obi
Email: tonyobi.the.paymaster@gmail.com


We will be monitoring all your dealings with them as you proceed so you have nothing to worry about.

Yours faithfully,

FBI Director
Robert S. Mueller III

http://www.drawminos.com/
For those of you who have time on your hands.
D

replies: 1

January 10, 2010 08:54 AM by brad
I made one, thats pretty cool.

Founded in 1689, Husqvarna is one of the oldest industrial companies in the world. Husqvarna begins as a weapons forge, with muskets as its specialty. In the course of the centuries, Husqvarna has produced a large range of different products, including sewing machines, bicycles, motorcycles and kitchen equipment.

During Swedens first period as a great power, from the end of the 1600s to the beginning of the 1720s, an average of 11,000 muskets and pistols are manufactured annually. All in all, Husqvarna supplies the Swedish army with 230,000 firearms during this period.

In 1970, Husqvarna transfers its arms manufacture to FFV (F￶rsvarets Fabriksverk, the Swedish Defence Factories). But Husqvarna continues to produce a few particular rifles, in extremely limited series, until 1989. That year, in conjunction with the 300th anniversary of the company, 15 of the Anniversary Weapons are the last weapons to leave the factory. The Husqvarna factory museum includes an extensive collection of weapons. From the oldest, a flintlock rifle from 1735 to the Anniversary Weapon of 1989.

ROPING A DEER
Author unknown - probably for good reason

Actual letter from someone who farms, writes well and tried this:

I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up
on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up-- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist
and twisted the end so I would have a good hold.

The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope .., and then received an education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer -- no chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I
didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite?

They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ... I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.

It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that, when an animal --like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope to sort of even the odds.

All these events are true ..
An Educated Rancher

replies: 1

December 15, 2009 03:48 PM by stinkyfoots
Oh dear, he took a beating.

Tests showed that the ingredient, xanthohumol, blocked a biological pathway that allows prostate cancer to be fuelled by the male hormone testosterone.

Xanthohumol is derived from hops and belongs to the group of flavonoids that are found in many plants, fruit, vegetables and spices.

Previous studies have shown that xanthohumol blocks the action of estrogen by binding to its receptor, which may lead to prevention of breast cancer.

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/articleshow/msid-5318309,prtpage-1.cms

Overcast, 50 degrees, a light rain, with winds about 5-7 mph. It was the perfect day to fire up the grill. I tossed on a couple chicken quarters and opened a cold beer and it was a match made in heaven.

It was nice listening to the sound of the rain as it hit the last few fall leaves left on the trees. The smell of the chicken sizzling on the grill. Viewing the world through the gathering mist, a dog at my side.

This is so right.

http://xkcd.com/664/

A buddy of mine Pedro posted a couple pictures of pink buildings but he neglected to include the Don CeSar Beach Resort an icon of the Tampa/St. Pete bay area in Florida. Here is a link to a history of the Don CeSar and another picture. Locally the hotel is referred to as the pink palace or the pink hotel.

In case you missed it on 60 Minutes, this is what Andy Rooney thinks about women over 40:

As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

1.A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.

2.If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.

3.Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

4.Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

5.Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40.

6.Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

7.Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

replies: 2

November 7, 2009 09:27 AM by AmberBock
MY personal favorite is #3.

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November 7, 2009 03:31 PM by brad
Number 7 is right on the mark.

Its noon and warming up to 57 degrees today. The sun is shining... an absolutely BEAUTIFUL day!

replies: 2

November 5, 2009 05:41 PM by AmberBock
I spoke too soon... It's going to drop below freezing tonight. YUCK

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November 5, 2009 08:22 PM by stinkyfoots
Going to get down to 57 tonight, damn that is nice.

Item: 1 wine tasting party at a friends house.

Item: 2 local buddy camping out at race 2 miles away.

Item: 3 winter cold front moving through.

What conclusions can you draw from this?

replies: 2

October 18, 2009 10:19 AM by stinkyfoots
Drink a lot of wine so that you don't freeze your butt off at the race.

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October 18, 2009 10:53 AM by stinkyfoots
In the fifties this morning, about damn time too.

We are in a wonderful time of year here in NC. The temperature is perfect, somewhere in the 70s during the day and around 50 at night with low humidity and clear skies. It should be nice like this all the way into late November. The trees have just started to change here locally but in the mountains they are already in full color. I have been doing fall chores in preparation for winter.

replies: 1

October 8, 2009 06:57 PM by stinkyfoots
Yea yea yea, quit your bragging, been in the nineties here.

What is winter?

93 today.

It was 45 degrees this morning. I did some yard work yesterday, I tried to smooth out some of the bank where the old wood wall was. I used a tiller to chew up the dirt some of which was really compacted then I sloped and smoothed the dirt.

I'm going to plant some grass seed to see if it grows before winter but I need to find some kind of ground cover that will grow in deep shade.

I'm sore as hell from the weed whacker, roto tiller, shoveling and raking.

replies: 1

September 29, 2009 05:51 PM by stinkyfoots
Damn, forty-five degrees, I'm jealous.

My computer has been spending it's spare cycles working on the setiathome distributed processing project that analyzes radio telescope data in search of alien life.

xkcd is an amazingly funny and well done webcomic about of romance, sarcasm, math, and language.

Todays panel is a poignant remark about the setiathome search project.

Would we really recognize an alien signal if we saw one?